Month: June 2015

Does living sober really suck?

For me, the answer is YES. Does my life suck? NO. Please allow me to expand on these answers. I liked getting drunk, smoking pot, doing narcotics and taking a hand full of pills. I liked getting high. Knowing that I will never catch a buzz again sucks. Knowing that I will never drink again sucks.

At 2 years sober, I can honestly say that many areas of my life are far better and I don’t ever want to go back to drinking. I respect myself and my body more. I respect my mind and my willpower more. I have closer friendships. I don’t have unnecessary debt and unnecessary drama in my life.

The areas of my life that still suck are things like: frustration at self-imposed limitations, loneliness, boredom or depression. These thoughts and feelings are often a result of thinking that drinking would make me popular, have no limitations and take away the boredom and loneliness. I see others drink socially and they appear to have what I desire. My thoughts like to tempt me into drinking again. But I know that drinking will not fix my problems, cure my depression or relieve self-pity. It would just make things worse.

Not ever being able to get high, buzzed or drunk again sucks, however, the rest of my life doesn’t suck. This is a very strange position to be in.
I’m touching on this subject because I have been asked this question by quite a few people. I have been pleasantly surprised by the quality of people I have met through this blog. I have discovered that there are a lot of brilliant, intelligent and wise drunks in the world. They are smart, caring people who just drink too much for their own good. These people have confirmed my belief that: All drunks are not jerks. Some are actually pretty damn smart.

Give me a miserable day sober over the life I left behind any day of the week…

Unfortunately, when many former drinkers go through the grieving process over the loss of their old friend, the bottle, some never get past the anger stage. It is a very real loss. The drink has been their friend for many years and one they could count on. When the whole world turned against them, the bottle never let them down. It was always there ready for the good times, the celebrations, the parties, as well as the sad, mad, and lonely times, too.
Finally their old friend let them down – they got in trouble with the cops, lost a job or career, almost lost their family, or the doctors told them they had to stop drinking – whatever the reason, the circumstances of their life brought them to the point where they made a decision to say “so long” to the bottle.

The Stages of Grieving

Whether they realized it or not, they began the stages of grieving — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance — the same stages most people go through when they have a great loss in their lives or have been told they have a terminal illness…
First comes the denial — it’s really not that big a deal, I’ve always said I could quit anytime — and then the anger and depression when they realize just how much that had come to depend on their old friend alcohol.
Many make it through the process to the final stage — accepting the loss, learning and growing through the experience, and moving on.

Abstinent, But Miserable

Some never make it. It’s sad to see them, sometimes many years later, still stuck in their anger, bitterness, and resentment at having to make the change in their lives.
You even see them in the 12-step rooms – been in the program for years and years and their lives seem to be a constant unmanageable struggle. All those years and they have no more of a spiritual awakening than they did the first time they walked into the room.

What Is a Dry Drunk?
“Dry Drunk” has been described as “A condition of returning to one’s old alcoholic thinking and behavior without actually having taken a drink.” Or as one wise old drunk put it, if a horse thief goes into A.A. what you can end up with is a sober horse thief. Or a personal favorite: you can take the rum out of the fruit cake, but you’ve still got a fruit cake!
Those who quit drinking but are still angry about it, wind up living miserable lives and usually make everyone else around them miserable too. If it has been said once in an Al-Anon meeting, it has been whispered thousands of times, “I almost wish he would go back to drinking.”

Okay, I Don’t Like It, Now What?

The simple answer to that question is to find something that you do like, but that is not always as easy as it sounds.
There is a theory that in order to fully recover from the effects of alcoholism, the alcoholic must replace the obsessive behaviors in his life with their spiritual opposites. Frankly, there are those who believe that without such spiritual help from a power greater than themselves, true recovery is impossible.

The A.A. program has championed this theory for many years to millions of “hopeless drunks” who are now living happy and sober lives. It’s hard to argue with that record of success.But beyond the spiritual side of recovery, there are other steps that can be taken to help make life fun again, without alcohol:

Develop a hobby. Take up gardening, start or expand a collection, build something, go fishing, or learn how to develop your own web pages! Try to find some activity to fill those leisure hours that you used to spend drinking.

Get healthy. All those years of drinking probably took some toll on your physical health. Join the YMCA, take up an exercise program or jogging, or play a sport. Get on some kind of regular (daily) improvement routine.
Improve your mind. It’s never too late to learn new things. Get a library card, take a continuing education class, improve your job skills, or go on Facebook.

Spend time with your family. Maybe you can’t replace all those times that you neglected your wife and children while you were in the bars, but you can make a new start. Take your wife out to her favorite place, take the kids or grandchildren to the park, or start a project in which the entire family can participate.
Life doesn’t have to be a miserable experience just because you quit drinking. There’s a whole world out there for you to explore and learn about.

This is my journey … this is my life
Rob Cantrell

I don’t have a clue as to how anything in life is supposed to work. I have no answers to any problems and I don’t know the path anyone should be walking. I only know what I’m doing now is  bringing me happiness . 

I have no glamour shot to share of my life in Jacksonville, Florida. It completely sucked. Some people have the ability to fall apart quietly and fly under the radar long enough to get their life together … then they return fresh and new. Not me … I was going out like a rock star…. a sad, washed up, old rock star that hadn’t had a hit in forever.

I want to share two examples, I was living in a very nice oceanfront condo development with 16 other successful “40 something” professionals… (so my behavior was not well hidden). One day, I was walking home from a beachfront Irish pub when a new white Range Rover pulled up and a blonde woman instructed me to get in… so I did… man… did I have an awakening!  For 6 long oceanfront blocks “the blonde upstairs” told me off… she said I was destroying everything I’d loved and worked to accomplish. She let me know how I looked and how I sounded…. she told the truth.

I hated that bitch for it! I wasn’t out of control… I was creative and expressive. If she didn’t want to bring the entire bar back to the Jacuzzi at 3:00 a.m. to get naked don’t blame me! 

I was so offended by this woman’s words that I decided I would make her a character in my dog’s life and post her on social media… I turned her into “that blonde slut upstairs that Shmuli hates!” Have you ever heard of her?

The reality is that she was 100% correct.

The second example occurred during my last year on the skids … I knew a couple that I considered the lowest form of human life. They were friendly and always polite… but lived like the king and queen of a trailer park! There was nothing these two people wouldn’t do or openly discuss… often with photos … do you understand what I’m saying here?

As I fell apart and my social circle shrank … I found myself in their company more and more… I became them! Eventually, even they didn’t want anything to do with me… Dear God! I had been rejected by the scummiest people in North Florida! Something had to change! Fortunately, it did!

Anytime I reminisce about enjoying a margarita on my oceanfront balcony… I remember these less than lovely memories and know I can’t do it …

We all constantly live in the present and make many choices about our futures because of the past. This is unavoidable. You can only read these words now because your mind relates to past experience with these words. All learning and knowledge rely on continually referencing the past, and many wise decisions about the future are created through recalling what has or hasn’t worked before. You only recognize a friend in the street because you reference a past connection with them. In this way, you use the past well.

But doing things because ‘it’s always been that way’ might be a mistake. Tradition may be useful or it may prevent progress, depending on how useful it is. Personally, you have an emotional relationship to past events that steers you helpfully or unhelpfully in the present.

I talk about ‘having baggage’ or ‘needing to move on’, having to ‘put the past behind me’ or ‘find closure’ when talking about my past… But what do these metaphors actually mean and how can I really ‘let go’ and ‘move on’?

Reviewing past happy times is a great thing to do. I highly recommend it; but with a caveat. It’s less healthy if:

• The past is always used as a way of highlighting how terrible the present is by contrast.

• We live in the past to such an extent that the opportunities in the present are missed. For instance, when we don’t even give a potential new partner a chance because how could they ever match up to our perfect former lover!

What does it mean to live fully in the present moment? It means that your awareness is completely centered on the here and now. You are not worrying about the future or thinking about the past. When you live in the present, you are living where life is happening. The past and future are illusions, they don’t exist. As the saying goes “tomorrow never comes”. Tomorrow is only a concept, tomorrow is always waiting to come around the corner, but around that corner are shadows, never to have light shed upon, because time is always now.

If you’re not living in the present, you’re living in illusion. That seems to a be a pretty good reason to live in the present, doesn’t it? But how often are we worrying about things that have yet to come, how often do we beat ourselves up for mistakes that we’ve made, no matter how much time has passed? The answer is too much.

Not only will living in the present have a dramatic effect on your emotional well-being, but it can also impact your physical health. It’s long been known that the amount of mental stress you carry can have a detrimental impact on your health. If you’re living in the present, you’re living in acceptance. You’re accepting life as it is now, not as how you wish it would have been. When you’re living in acceptance, you realize everything is complete as it is. You can forgive yourself for the mistakes you’ve made, and you can have peace in your heart knowing that everything that should happen will.

This is my journey … this is my life!

Rob Cantrell

“When the heartache is over… I know I won’t be missing you” – Tina Turner

I have been in more relationships than should be admissible by law in any country. I seem to follow a pattern that has worked with a 100% failure rate. The practice includes several steps that I have mastered and hopefully, will never use again. To begin with… I enter every relationship as damaged goods. I am always just ending my last one and am carrying so much emotional and mental baggage that I can hardly function.

If the person I’m “courting” is equally damaged … that’s a home run. Together, we can feed off the lies, betrayals, injustices and abuses caused by our last loves. It’s perfect! Together… we can wallow in the belief that we’re… “just people that love too much”. “This time, it’s gonna last… this time, it’s forever”. Please!

To be honest, I could never love anyone as much as I loved drugs and alcohol. They had been part of my life for 30 years… I wasn’t about to let romance break us up! Besides these people didn’t seem to mind staying out all night at clubs or getting naked in a Jacuzzi just before dawn. I was exciting and nothing like their last significant other. I presented myself as a bad boy, and damaged people always want to “fix” the bad boy. Unfortunately, you can’t “fix” a bad boy and if he does comply with your demands … the challenge is gone. There’s nothing exciting in that… time to move on!

It’s easy to develop a connection with a co-worker or a schoolmate or someone who’s always there…even when they’re not adding any real value to our lives. And it’s even easier to stay in those relationships. That’s because old relationships are convenient, and starting new relationships is difficult… it requires work. But so does anything worth holding on to.

We’ve all held on to someone who didn’t deserve to be there. Most of us still have someone in our lives who continually drains us: Someone who doesn’t add value. Someone who isn’t supportive. Someone who takes and takes and takes without giving back to the relationship. Someone who contributes very little and prevents us from growing. Someone who constantly plays the victim. Dear God! I’m exhausted just writing about them …

But victims become victimizers. And these people are dangerous. They keep us from feeling fulfilled. They keep us from living meaningful lives. Over time, these negative relationships become part of our identity—they define us, they become who we are.

Fortunately, this needn’t be the case. Several actions can be taken to rid ourselves of negative relationships.

First, you can attempt to fix the relationship. This is obviously the preferable solution (albeit not always possible or worthwhile). People change over time, and so do relationships. You can change how your relationship works… be it marriage, friendship, or family…  without completely ditching the relationship.

Listen to Rob… just sit down with the person who’s draining the vitality from your life and explain to them what must change for your relationship to work. Explain that you need them to be more supportive, that you need them to participate in your growth, that they are important to you, but the relationship in its current state does not make you happy. Explain that you’re not attempting to change them as a person; you only want to change how your relationship works.This sounds great on paper … but by the time you’ve reached this point, you’ve emotionally detached from the entire situation… (am I right?). But try it anyway.

Finally, ask them what they’d like to change about the relationship. Ask them how you can add more value. Listen attentively, act accordingly.

Most importantly, always have an escape clause… if you’re unable to change the relationship, you can end it altogether. This is incredibly difficult, but it applies to any relationship: family, friends, lovers, coworkers, acquaintances. If someone is doing nothing but draining your life, it’s perfectly acceptable to tell them “This relationship is no longer right for me, so I must end it… I must move on.” 

It’s OK to move on. You owe it to yourself to move on. You owe it to yourself to be happy with the relationships you have. You are in control. Moving on is sometimes the only way to develop new, empowering relationships.

When I released the past, I was able to accept a love that is perfect for me now. I am so thankful I took an action to start living my life with someone for the right reasons…

This is my journey… this is my life!

Rob Cantrell

Fear can be stronger than glue in keeping you stuck in many ways. Fear also allows you to become a “Door Mat” for everyone to walk on… I was a Door Mat for most of my life. Most Door Mats please everyone because they’re scared of not getting approval. Fear of loneliness also motivates staying a Door Mat. Fear kept me stuck in DoorMatville for many years on many levels. Often I didn’t even know what scared me but I was afraid to rock the boat and risk losing people I thought I needed.

A few years ago, I bought a Range Rover that I didn’t want and couldn’t afford from a friend because he needed to sell it in order to buy a new one. I hated that enormous box of a vehicle… it drank too much gas… cost too much to repair and broke down continuously. But I couldn’t say no … so I bought it and as I knew would happen … it used too much gas… cost too much to repair and broke down continuously. Who’s fault was it that I own a car I didn’t want … mine.  

Even irrational fear can make sense to an insecure person.

Looking back, I realize that fear controlled me, as it does for many people. When you make your decisions based on avoiding things that scare you, you aren’t in control of your life. Fear is. As I considered leaving DoorMatville, I realized how little control I gave myself. Stepping out made me face my fears and gave me back control. It was scary. But, I realized that sacrificing my joy in life by letting fear control my decisions was scarier.

 When you do something that scares you, you take the reins of your life.

I took those reins when I began to say “no” to people. Once I did it the fear turned into feeling empowered. When I saw that terrible things didn’t happen, it became easier to turn down requests. The more things I did that scared me, the less fear kept me stuck. I was still afraid and still get scared about doing certain things. But my courage is stronger and fear controls me less.

The best example of this was when I landed in Los Angeles with nothing but a suitcase and a few dollars in the bank.

Courage doesn’t mean you’re never scared. But it helps you control your response to what scares you.

I no longer get irrational about the outcome of something I’m scared of and know that in most cases I can handle the results, even if I don’t like that. Knowing that makes it worth taking risks and pushing through fear instead of letting it paralyze me from going after what I want or slowing me down too much. I can keep it all in perspective now since I’m in control!

Rationally, I know that failure is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s an inevitable part of life and even a necessary step toward success and innovation.

Irrationally, I still fear failure. And I know I’m not alone.

At some point or another, almost all of us have experienced nagging self-doubt, made negative comparisons between ourselves and those around us, or felt like we’re not talented, smart, or disciplined enough to reach our goals.

The irony is that these fears tend to become self-fulfilling prophecies.  Research has shown a connection between the fear of failure and procrastination. That means that the more anxiety we feel about failing the reach our goals, the less likely we are to take action toward achieving them.  It’s a completely irrational reaction, but – as anyone who has experienced this kind of paralysis can tell you – it’s a hard one to resist.

What can we do overcome fear of failure?

There are a lot of articles out there on the subject, but most end up being variations of the same cliches we’ve heard all our lives. For the record, it is not at all helpful to tell someone who fears failure to “think positively” or “be more assertive”. If it were that easy we wouldn’t be googling “how to overcome fear of failure” in the first place!

Today, I tried to keep fear in it’s proper perspective. I’m learning to face it by externalizing it. Keeping it deep within Rob is a dangerous place to be. No matter what it is … I’m writing a “pros” & “cons” list with the fear on the top of the page. If the “pros” outweigh the “cons” I realize the fear has no place in my head or my life and I ignore it and move on.

As I mentioned, I was horrified about moving to Los Angeles. The “cons” told me that I would fail… I would be laughed at and homeless on the street unable to support myself. The “pros” said I could find an apartment, finish a degree, make friends, find love again …. be happy. Fortunately, I let the fear of failure go and I am so happy I did!

This is my journey … this is my life!

Rob

I am no stranger to drug rehab… I’ve “rehabbed” with the rich and famous and the hopelessly unemployed. I’ve  made pottery, watercolors and origami birds in drug treatment centers from Florida to California. In fact, one ashtray I “created” cost about $70,000. It’s a shame I don’t smoke. Going to drug or alcohol treatment is one of those things that you really only want to do once so it is very important that you find a treatment facility that will work for you and specialize in your needs. However, for some, even the rehab that seems to have everything, doesn’t work.

Statistically, for every 100 people who enter a drug and alcohol treatment center only 3 people will succeed and live a life free from the bondage of addiction. Think about that … 97 people will relapse and return to active addiction. When rehab doesn’t work there can be many different reasons and few options. One problem for many is that their stay in rehab was simply not long enough. They work well for detox but are not long enough to help some stay clean once they leave treatment. Sobriety requires a commitment to living a different type of life and that is too hard for some who return to their old and toxic environment.

As an addict, I shared my drug of choice with friends. Whether I was using alcohol, a prescription drug, or illegal drugs, I shared the experience. Misery really does love company. Some of my “friends” got me into using in the first place… others I found along the way. Regardless of how I came together with those friends, recovery depended on us going our separate ways.

Battling an addiction is one of the most difficult things you will do in your life, if not the most difficult. By keeping friends around who still use, I was setting myself up for failure. Even without them around, I am tempted to use again. With them still in my life, my temptations multiplied. Some of them actively tried to get me to use again because it helped to validate their addiction… even those using friends who were not actively antagonizing me still represented a temptation.

Leaving your friends will not be easy. Especially if you have using friends whom you have known for years, cutting them out of your life can rack you with guilt. Even if one of your friends has been with you since childhood, if they are using, you must leave them behind. You can try your best to get this friend to join you on your journey of recovery, but only they can make that decision. If they refuse to stop using, they will only hold you back.

If your recovery took a wrong turn, there’s only one way back: trying again. Relapse is disheartening but it doesn’t have to be tragic. What is tragic is that millions of people never seek help at all and endure a lifetime of suffering. Equally tragic are those who go to treatment, relapse and decide a life of sobriety must not be possible for them. Recovery is not a way of life reserved for the select few; it is possible for anyone who refuses to give up on themselves.

Rob

I knew with certainty that I was a teen alcoholic, not the kind that wrecked cars, slapped girls or wanted to fight.. I wanted to dance all night and pass out on your couch… after I spent hours hugging everyone and letting the world know “I love you, man” … I’m an irritating drunk.  Why did it take me 30 years to figure out no one likes “that guy”? Honestly, he’s a lonely guy to be …

At 16, my wisdom teeth were removed by a dentist that was also a friend of the family. I left his office that day with a prescription for 90 Fiorinal #3 (butalbital & codeine) with three refills. I believe somewhere between the first and second dose I realized I would never go a day again without painkillers… I loved them … I loved everything about them …. and I would do anything necessary to get them. For the next 30 years, every second of every day was devoted to getting and taking prescription drugs.

Anyone who is an addict or alcoholic will tell you maintaining a drug habit is the hardest job on earth. It does not take a day off … it does not care that you are physically and emotionally sick… it does not give a damn about your kids or family. You will do whatever is necessary to keep it under control. The nauseating part is watching your soul die a little more every day as you do things you never dreamed you’d be capable of doing. It is a nightmare that ends in one of two ways … recovery or death. Those are the only options. It is black or white. There is no grey.

I believe my first moment of clarity was when I learned addiction is a disease. It is not a sin or the devil controlling a person or a weakness of character. It is a sickness. Nothing more … nothing less. People that have the disease aren’t bad people needing to act “good”. We are sick people needing to get “better”.

I have to think of it this way…

If I’m a diabetic … I have a disease that if not controlled will kill me. I will always have the disease. If I am aware that I am a diabetic and I eat a box of Moon Pies and wash it down with 2 liters of Mountain Dew… I’ve screwed up. If I go into a sugar coma as a result of my action and die … I am responsible for my death. It’s not my responsibility that I was a diabetic. I didn’t ask for it.  It was my responsibility not to eat the Moon Pies and Mountain Dew. That’s all I have to do is realize there is a wonderful life if I’m willing to be a part of it … I want to dive head first into that life! I want to live without the “Moon Pies” that used to control me…

No one has to suffer from addiction alone. There is help available … you just have to reach out. I’d love to hear from you…

This is my journey… this is my life

Rob Cantrell