Month: June 2015

Forgiving myself of the things I’ve done wrong is a full-time job …. believe me… I’ve done a lot of things wrong! So much guilt… so many regrets!

I think of regrets like this…

Let’s pretend on the day we’re born we’re issued a Hefty trash bag … into it we put every regret, hurt, disappointment, embarrassment and guilt. Before we know it … the bag is full and heavy and a misery to carry. Yet every minute of every day… we’re walking around with this bag of crap that is breaking us. It would be so easy to put it down and walk away… but we don’t… we hold on tightly to something that is holding us back… a bunch of crap. If we put it down we may have to open the bag and exam what’s in it… that might be difficult…. so we keep the crap neatly bundled in the bag and never enjoy being totally free. Wow … what a sad ending.

My example is silly but does make a point.,,, nothing in our past has to control us.

Do you have regrets? Do you wish you could go back in time and change things that happened? Do you need to learn how to forgive yourself?

If there’s a moment in your mind …  something that you remember that you wish you could erase… you’re not alone. None of us are perfect and although we have the power to recognize our flaws, it’s not often that we can actually let them go. Instead, we tend to hold on to the burdens we create for ourselves through our actions, struggling to carry them as we go through life. As regret settles in, the past becomes attached to our existence in the present and without the power to go back and change our behavior for the better we can be left feeling truly powerless.

Often, it seems as though the hardest person to forgive is you. Think about it… how many people do you forgive on a daily basis? You’re probably ready to forgive your children when they misbehave or your spouse when you have a quarrel. I have a pug named Kooli that pees on everything I own… and I forgive him!

Most of us can even forgive strangers, like the driver who cuts in front of you on your way to work, or the person who takes the machine you have signed out at the gym. These people get the best of us, even when we can’t wipe our own slates clean.

If you’re stuck in the past reliving your mistakes, you aren’t really living. We must overcome our mistakes by learning from them. But that learning can’t happen when you’ve got a quarrel, a breakup, an episode, or a mistake on replay in your mind. Even if you’re able to look back on the incident with 20/20 vision, you can’t actually move forward until you learn how to forgive yourself.

Everyone messes up. Me, you, the neighbors, Mother Teresa, Mahatma Gandhi, King David, the Buddha, everybody.

We can’t change the past and it doesn’t really matter because we don’t live there anymore. What we can do is trace the things from the past that are causing us stress … face them as best we can and erase them.

It’s like the contents of that Hefty trash bag… once you know what’s in it you can do something with it or set it at the curb where it belongs….

This is my journey… this is my life.

Rob

Walk down Santa Monica Boulevard in West Hollywood on any given night and you will be instantly drawn to its energy. Clubs are packed beyond capacity and beautiful patrons wait in lines on the sidewalks. Perfectly proportioned young men dance in thongs on table tops or go go stations while spectators force dollar bills in their crotches. This is the nightlife baby…

This is daily life in the party communities across America. Regardless of whether gay, straight or mixed clubs are always energized by sex, drugs and music. Young and old, gay and straight some escape the allure of the night and don’t fall prey to the addictions found there… others are not so lucky.

There is no evidence that sexual orientation affects an individual’s mental health or physical chances of developing addiction. However, gay, lesbian and transgenders are more likely to experience certain risk factors worth noting…

Family history – If addiction runs in your family, you are more likely to develop a substance abuse problem. This is a risk factor that impacts both gay and straight individuals.

Environment – A person’s home environment plays a large factor in motivating or not motivating a person to try drugs or alcohol. Job stress, money struggles or an unstable family life can all contribute to substance abuse. A homophobic community or a family that doesn’t accept an alternative sexual identity can cause low self-image and long-lasting guilt. Many adult LGBT individuals outwardly reject the “values” of these conservative communities, embracing an alternative lifestyle that may include heavy drinking and drug use.

Mental health- Co-occurring mental health issues can contribute to a person’s chances of developing addiction. While anti-gay propaganda portrays homosexuality as a curable mental illness, there is no evidence to back this up. Attempts at conversion therapy or the suppression of homosexuality do not increase in heterosexual feelings but rather increase feelings of shame and anxiety about an individual’s natural sexual identity. These feelings can cause depression and other psychological issues that can cause a person to turn to drugs to cope.

Social life- How a person interacts with their peers can influence his or her susceptibility to addiction. Being harassed at a young age can lead to isolation, depression and low self-esteem. When politicians, religious leaders and popular media portray LGBT individuals as less than worthy of basic human rights, it affects how they see themselves. This added stress influences the likelihood of turning to drugs as a method of coping.

The reality is this … the gay community centers around bars or clubs. Older LGBT individuals and couples often drink more and use more drugs than their straight counterparts to fit in with the community. Statistics show that crystal meth is used by 40% of club goers across the country. That percentage is higher in gay men.

Know what you need when you need it …… 

LGBT individuals often face judgment at hospitals and doctor’s offices making them less likely to seek treatment for drug addiction.

Because of their unique place in American society, gay men always benefit from drug addiction treatment programs that are geared specifically for them. Unfortunately, with exception of facilities located in large cities with considerable GLBT communities, few such treatment facilities currently exist. Instead, gay men seeking drug rehab are best served by addiction treatment facilities that understand their special needs and often “programs within the program” that are designed to address gay-specific issues.

Think of it this way … If I am going to move across country, a truck will be my best option for a successful move. A Buick is an option and it may get me there… but the probability of success is certainly less. Why take the chance on failure? 

It is important to ask the admission personnel at any drug rehab facility a few simple questions:

Are there any members of the treatment staff who are gay, or have experience treating homosexuals in recovery?

Does the facility see a considerable number of gay men and women come through the program?

Are there counseling sessions designed to meet the needs of the gay addicts?

If the answer to any of these questions is “yes” then this facility is likely to be an appropriate choice for treatment. It is important to find a facility that is accepting of everyone’s sexuality – and more importantly will be able to knowledgeably address the root causes of addiction in gay men during counseling.

If you or someone you love is suffering with addiction… there is hope.

This is my journey… this is my life.

Rob

Ask anyone that has ever loved an addict or alcoholic and they’ll tell you how powerless they are over that person’s addiction.

Only one relationship matters to an addict: the relationship with their drug. All of their decisions are based on their need for the drug; they see nothing but the drug and don’t even realize that that’s all they see. Even as their lives are caving in around them, they continue to believe they’re in control and that they don’t have a problem.

As much as “choosing” drugs isn’t really a choice, it also isn’t personal. Drugs don’t matter more than you, they matter more than everything  –  career, reputation, financial stability, religion, even food, water and the basics needed for survival. The addict isn’t trying to hurt you; they are trying to fill a need, just as if your breathing was offensive to someone else you’d be powerless to stop.

Ask anyone whose wallet has been emptied, credit cards maxed out or jewelry stolen…  and they’ll tell you nothing they tried worked in keeping an active addict or alcoholic away from the fix they needed.

In reality, you can’t solve an addicts problems for them. Lecturing, blaming and criticizing will only push them closer to their drug. But you can’t stand to hear the lies and empty promises or worry about their future (and yours) any longer, either. So what can you do?

First, you must understand, you don’t have control over the addict, but you do have influence. What you do have control over is your life. You did not cause their addiction… you can not cure it and as painful as it is… you can not save them. What you must do is save yourself. Your life and those of your family members have value and must be protected.

Alcoholics and addicts lie. Firstly, they lie to themselves. They are in denial and their minds refuse to see what they are doing to themselves. Maybe one part of them knows that they are addicts, but the drug has such a powerful grip on their minds and bodies, they continue to destroy themselves and others.

Alcoholics and addicts can’t control themselves. The drugs they are using (alcohol is a drug) have taken over their lives. Addictions are physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. They are all-consuming. Addicts are lost in their own private hell; a swirling mass of dark energy — thick and heavy and always fatal. Addiction is a terminal disease.

People who have never had problems with addictions can’t comprehend this. They say things like: “Why don’t they just quit?”  Well, if it were that easy, many of the world’s problems would be solved. But it isn’t.

It takes great strength and courage to overcome addictions to powerful drugs like alcohol, cocaine and heroin. Usually, the addict has to hit rock bottom before taking action to stop. Many addicts never stop. They just die.

The sad thing is that an addict does not see that they do have a choice. At all times, we all have choices, even when we think that we don’t. We may not like our choices, but we have them. The addict can always choose not to use. That is not an attractive option for the addict because their body, mind and emotions are screaming for the drug.

Good intentions will kill an addict every time. By enabling a person to use… you are killing them. Enabling can work in different ways, but basically it’s when a person or a group shields another from the consequences of their inappropriate behavior. Silence can be enabling. If someone is doing something wrong, and you know it is wrong and you say nothing, you are enabling the other person’s behavior. You are part of the problem.

Be aware, the enabler may also be in denial, which means they are lying to themselves and others. There is a dysfunctional dance going on between the addict and the enabler. As always, the first step in making lasting life change is awareness.  Ask yourself this: Am I enabling this person’s behavior?

Many people suffering with addiction are rescued through an intervention, an ultimatum or a refusal to enable that leads addicts to take the first step into recovery. Whether the addict takes the opportunity to get better or not, you must take control of your life. Do the things you love and go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings to get educated about the disease. A loved one in active addiction damages every facet of family life. No one escapes unaffected.

Addicts can get better and they need your support to do so  –  but it’s the kind of support that involves clear boundaries to protect yourself and to avoid enabling, honest communication of love and concern, and assistance from professionals trained in treating addiction.

If someone you know is suffering with addiction there is help. Don’t let your good intentions put them in an early grave.

I have been this drug addict … This is my journey … this is my life.

Rob

My grandmother was a wise woman. She said, “If a person fails at being a parent… nothing else they do will ever really matter.” She was so right.

I desperately wanted to be the “cool” parent…. the one that was a “friend” … not a dad. I was neither and truthfully might be the worst parent my kids could have possibly had. I brought nothing but uncertainty and anguish into their lives. Addiction damages everything it touches … our home was often a battle field and they were the casualties of a disease I couldn’t control. In reality, they would have been infinitely better off without me in the picture. Anyone raised in an alcoholic/addict home knows the carnage and turmoil of daily life. It’s a nightmare for every member of the family.

I know with certainty that my children love me. They are grateful for the changes in my life since I’ve found sobriety. Today, we are defining healthy boundaries that are loving and safe and are moving forward with our lives. I’m so grateful to have the opportunity to be in their lives.

One misconception that many alcoholics and addicts seem to have is that their drinking or substance abuse is not affecting anyone else. Many times they will make statements like, “I’m not hurting anyone but myself!”

In reality, children raised by substance abusing parents have characteristics that will continue to damage them long after the addicted parent is out of the picture …

• Have to Guess What Normal Is
  Because they did not have a example to follow from their childhood and never experienced “normal” family relationships, adult children of alcoholics and addicts may have to guess at what it means to be normal. They sometimes can’t tell good role models from bad ones. Some are not comfortable around family because they don’t know what to do or how to react.
• Judge Themselves Without Mercy
  Many adult children of alcoholics or addicts find it difficult to give themselves a break. They do not feel adequate, and feel that they are never good enough. They may have little self-worth and low self-esteem and can develop deep feelings of inadequacy.
• Take Themselves Too Seriously
  Because they judge themselves too harshly, some adult children of alcoholics may take themselves very seriously. They can become depressed or anxious because they have never learned how to lighten up on themselves. They can get very angry with themselves when they make a mistake.
• Have Difficulty With Intimate Relationships
  In order to have an intimate relationship, one must be willing to look to another person for interdependence, emotional attachment, or fulfillment of your needs. Because of trust issues or lack of self-esteem, adult children of addicts may not be able to let themselves do that. They don’t allow themselves to get close to others.
• Have Trust Issues
  After growing up in an atmosphere where denial, lying and keeping secrets was the norm, adult children of alcoholics can develop serious trust problems. All the broken promises of the past tell them that trusting someone will backfire on them in the future.
• Feel They Are Different
  Many children who grow up with an addicted parent find themselves thinking they are different from other people and not good enough. Consequently, they avoid social situations and have difficulty making friends. They can tend to isolate themselves as a result.
• Can Become Super Responsible
  Perhaps to avoid criticism or the anger of their alcoholic parent, many children from alcoholic homes become super responsible or perfectionists. They can become overachievers or workaholics. On the other hand, they can also go in the opposite direction, becoming very irresponsible members of society.

As a counselor, I see these characteristics in clients, as well as, my own children. Fortunately, there is hope and help for anyone suffering. Organizations such as Adult Children of Alcoholics (www.adultchildren.org) offer vast amounts of information on how to live life on life’s terms. Anyone can access the information for free online.

I can’t change the damage that I brought into my family’s lives, but I can direct them to sources that may improve their lives.  If someone you know is suffering with addiction … there is hope.

This is my journey… this is my life!

Rob

Years ago, I was at the office and looked down at my hand and saw a red dot. I was convinced beyond any reasonable doubt that I had contracted AIDS or cancer or Ebola or what ever that disease was I’d heard about on National Public Radio that morning driving to work.

I knew that it was going to be a horribly shameful and agonizing death. I also knew that if anyone found out that I had the illness I’d be ostracized and quarantined from society. Dude… this death was going to be as horrible as anything that happened to Jesus or those in the Holocaust . It sucked to be me…

Every single day for the next 18 months I obsessed about the red dot. The red dot controlled me… it was an ever-present secret that was there to destroy me. I was so afraid of the red dot that I would not go to the doctor to have it checked. There was no blood or lab work, CAT scans or surgery because I couldn’t face the reality of the red dot. I didn’t need a second opinion because I wasn’t getting a first one. Don’t make the dot angry and it won’t kill…

Then one day I was talking to my mother and looked at her hand and there it was … a red dot! Damn! It must be contagious…

Immediately… I asked her what it was and I will never forget what she said…. “it’s a red dot!” “Everyone has them… you were born with one on your hand I think…”

Suddenly, every fear I had about the red dot was gone… 18 months of my life had been dedicated to dying instead of living. Cancer is real… AIDS is real… Ebola is real… the red dot is nothing!

Knowledge is power… fear is not…

Getting sober is one of the most terrifying acts an addict will ever attempt…   more terrifying than shooting unknown and potentially lethal chemicals into your veins, more terrifying than robbing depraved drug dealers or engaging in unprotected sex with strangers or endangering the ones you love in order to obtain your next high. It seems insane, and that is only because it truly is. While we are using we are so out of our minds that the true terror of certain situations does not even faze us. However, the concept of putting down our favored substance and facing reality sends most active addicts running for the hills.

1. Fear of the unknown.

What we don’t know scares us. Moving to a new city, maybe even a new state, unsure as to how we’re going to support ourselves, all of these uncertainties combine to leave us with a gaping pit of fear deep in our stomachs. While the concept of a higher power is one that will need to be addressed eventually in order to maintain sobriety, calling on faith can prove exceptionally beneficial when addressing this fear. Trusting that everything will work out exactly the way it is supposed to will do you much more good than living in the fear of something inevitable.

2. Fear of failure.

You may believe that relapsing is equivalent to failing. Fortunately, this is not the case. Although relapse is never necessary and can always be avoided, if it does happen to you the option to pick yourself back up and persist is always available. The only way you may “fail” yourself is if you throw in the towel entirely – so no matter what, don’t give up!

3. Fear of reality.

The reality is, life is difficult sometimes. There are taxes and bills to pay, adult responsibilities to take care of, and unfortunate events that may transpire at any time. But reality is often, and more frequently, absolutely beautiful. If you numb reality with drugs and alcohol you will never experience the awe-inspiring beauty of life. And no problem is so big that you will be unable to handle it.

4. Fear of becoming a lame prude.

People that don’t drink and don’t do drugs are lame prudes, right? Actually, people who are not actively drinking alcoholically and slowly (or rapidly) killing themselves with excessive drug use are pretty cool. Wetting your pants and punching strangers in the face is not where it’s at – neither is sitting alone in your basement and constantly shooting heroin till you pass out. Sober people tend to be exceedingly happy people. Why not give yourself a chance to find out?

5. Fear of growing up.

The responsibilities of adulthood can be frightening, especially if you have successfully evaded them for years. If you are considering getting sober, it is time to man up in all regards and begin paying your bills again. Growing up does not mean ceasing to have fun. It simply means being responsible and taking care of yourself.

Fear is a horrible emotion … there is no reason to allow it to control your life… there is hope for everyone caught in the throes of addiction! But first you must reach out…

This is my journey … this is my life

Rob

It’s shocking what life can do … tomorrow is my high school reunion and I don’t even remember the kid that was class president so many decades ago… so many crashes … so many burns. How did I survive life for this long?

Like a lot of people, I get to feel inadequate several times a week.  A sense of not quite being up to par.  Disappointing, even.  You hear about people who have performed better, earned more, got more friends, seen more of the world, slept better, slept with better lovers, argued less, looked more appealing…and the list goes on.  Superhuman beings, who seem to attract success.  Or,  the ones that get on quietly with life and put temperamental, irritating people like me to shame. They are just better. Of course it’s possible to learn stuff from everyone we meet, even if it is how not to do things.

I’m not a particularly driven or focused person.  I just like to run with stuff, but I would like to plan better. I have never been one of those that work a seven-day week and gets a kick out of it. Writing is my thing and constantly seeking useless information. The more I learn… the less I know. The main element that  makes me feel inadequate in the face of people who are ‘better’ is something I have come to recognize as fear.  I used to label it anxiety, shyness, stress, tiredness, lots of things, frustration, resentment, bitterness – depending on my mood – but in the end it comes down to fear. Fear of not being able to pay the bills. Fear of getting ill. Fear of losing people.  Fear of being judged, or of not getting approval.  Always on the scary roller coaster. I used to drink or get stoned to push back the fear, but now it is here in all its sober glory. Just like a 3-D movie.

Someone mentioned to me a while ago the concept of giving myself permission to feel fear. Why wasn’t I giving myself permission not to be afraid?  What was the worst that could happen if I stopped being fearful? Why did I have to control everything on the planet? Who made me so important? Those are valid questions … once I thought about it, I realized … I’m not that important and neither are the things I fear. In fact, at this point in time I am trying really hard to believe in a new sober way forward, using the ‘give yourself permission’ criteria.  It’s OK  for me to change my mind about something I once believed in, because I have learned a better way. It’s OK to feel fear and do it anyway. It’s OK not to live like “everyone” (it’s never everyone) else is because it isn’t right for me. Above all, I don’t have to change the world. God made it and he can handle it.

Like many people, I would guess, I try to be ‘good’; grateful and kind.  I don’t always manage it because I am human. It’s OK not to be perfect, however.  No one else is, after all. Not everyone will approve of my life choices. It’s OK not to be liked by every single person in the world.  No one else is, after all. Sometimes it is hard to recognize that someone I really want to like me is never going to, but actually that is OK too. There will always be people who argue and people who agree.  That is life.

I’m sober … I’m happy and I am so grateful to still be here! Bring on that high school reunion …

I’m excited that my mom is going to contribute to my blog in the upcoming days. No one has ever had to wonder what she thinks … believe me … the woman has no filters. She tells everything as she sees it and then a little more. After decades of dealing with me … she deserves to be heard. Hopefully, her words will benefit someone still suffering.

Her life was no magic carpet ride while I was in the depths of my addiction. If interested, I hope you’ll join the blog and ask her how she survived a dysfunctional family. If you or someone you know is living with an addict or alcoholic… there is hope.

Rob

I’ve spent a lifetime self-destructing in very public ways. I’m hoping others will learn what it was like, what happened and what it is like now for me. It isn’t necessary to completely lose it all before saying … “this is where the madness ends”. Life is about more than breathing… it’s about feeling alive. Here starts the blog journey…

My “crash and burn” moment happened September 2013.  I was living in an oceanfront condo in Florida with a pug named Shmuli and not much else. I had destroyed my latest marriage and everything else that crossed my path…. no more wife, no more money, no more kids, no more friends…. just me, the pug, a Mercedes Benz and my best friend Anita! I thank God for Anita!

On September 29th, 2013 (my daughter’s birthday) I decided to do something I had not done in years. I picked up the phone and dialed my parents for help. My options were to get help or commit suicide. Something was going to happen and it was going to happen that day. I could not exist as I was for another 24 hours. Fortunately, my mother answered the phone and made arrangements for me to enter long term treatment. Anita packed a suitcase and my father and I flew off to Rancho Mirage, California where I began the process of recovery…

I’ve often said that “I’ve done everything except Micheal Jackson!” … early on I learned how to smoke, drink, drug and even steal ashtrays from hotel rooms where I committed adultery! My life is what it is and I make no apologies for it. My closets are empty by design… once I realized I had nothing to hide… I had nothing to fear…. I was free!

This blog is not about the past … I don’t live there any more …  it’s about living every moment that I’m given and hopefully contributing to others that struggle with addiction.

Feel free to ask me any question and I’ll answer it honestly as possible.

This is how my sober life began …