Day: July 9, 2015

If you have nothing good to say … sit by me!

We all know what mean people are like… they gossip about you to others, ignore you, say hurtful things, break or steal your stuff, belittle you, set you up to get into trouble for something you didn’t say or do, call you names, imply you’re not as clever, good-looking, well connected, valuable or nice as they are, intimidate you, leave unfriendly or unkind messages about you on social media sites, and break promises they swore they’d keep.

I spent 23 years with the meanest person on earth … I have a PhD in recognizing meanness!

When someone is vicious towards me… I want to rationalize it by saying… “All I can tell you is some people are just evil.”  The truth is they are not evil … they are simply mean assholes!

I honestly believe evil does not exist for a lot of people.  Evil is just something that needs fixing.  But I’m here to tell you evil is NOT a psychiatric illness.  People who put other people in ovens and gas showers, shoot or burn their fellow man, or throw babies up in the air for target practice are evil!

A person that has a campaign of destruction or belittlement against you is as I have said earlier …. simply mean assholes!

If you’ve been dealing with a mean person at work, in your neighborhood, in your club, or in your family, the best way of handling that person is to not go up against him or her.  You can’t win.  You’re unequipped to deal with a mean person unless you’re equally bad.  Mean people have no rules and no limits.  You do.  Try to avoid contact with the person.  If you’ve tried to sort things out and he or she decides to keep being mean, there isn’t much you can do to influence or change his or her mind.

If this person actually hates you or feels like he or she can’t lose face by dawning a different attitude, you don’t have to put up with it.  Remove yourself.  Don’t listen to his or her taunts, don’t read the crap he or she writes about you, and don’t have any connection to his or her spiteful attitude.  Let this person know you’re not going to tolerate it and make a clean cut.  Even the meanest person may get bored when his or her target stops responding.

Some people simply need to be mean to feel better about themselves.  Those people are all over the world…. watch the morning news for more than 5 minutes… you’ll see.

My advice?  Just get out of their way.  Don’t take it personally.  Unfortunately, karma won’t always kick in and nothing bad necessarily will happen to them.  In fact, sometimes they lead long and financially successful lives.  That may be hard to swallow, but the quality of your life is more important.

So laugh.  Throw your head back and laugh… let every small success you enjoy be known to the world and eventually like the Wicked Witch of the West … their actions will cause their demise… and on some level we all look forward to that! The universe is a magical place… it knows which butt to kick and which to leave alone. Get out of the way and let it handle the details. There’s no harm in taking a selfie when it happens.

This is my journey… this is my life!

Rob Cantrell

Love hurts …

My fear of being alone has been a pivotal factor in every disastrous relationship I’ve ever had. No matter what … I had to have someone I could claim as my other half. So sad… such a waste of time. I have heard a million times that “all relationships are hard and take work” … please, finding a cure for a disease is hard and takes a lot of work … sharing my life should be a fun task.

Love is supposed to be this ultra-great emotion that leads to throbbing feelings of happiness, moments of unforgettable togetherness, and maybe flowers and jewelry, too. Unfortunately, the reality is that love often sucks. You fall in love with people who don’t love you back, you get rejected by your idealized romantic partner, or you find yourself pining for somebody who treats you like crap. But there is hope. Though there is no quick fix for a broken heart, there are things I did to make it easier to fall out of love with someone.

There are a lot of reasons why you might want to stop loving somebody, but the two main ones are that they don’t return your feelings or they treat you badly. Love may feel like it’s something beyond your control, but studies show that there are actually ways to tame the wild feelings. What’s interesting is love activates the parts of our brains that are also activated in the brains of cocaine and cigarette addicts when they anticipate getting high. As a recovering addict, I can tell you how that feels!

I think love has to be treated like an addiction…  throw out their cards and letters, or hide them in a closet. Don’t call or look for them online. If you’re trying to give up alcohol, you don’t leave scotch on your desk. Ideally, you want to stop thinking about the person entirely, so getting rid of objects that remind you of them will help.

There’s always a lesson in everything … I believe surviving love teaches us these:

Lesson #1: Losing a part of who you are is NOT worth being in love

When you are with someone who doesn’t have a similar vision or similar values for their life, you may begin to wonder about your own or even start adopting some of his/her values or beliefs. My ex did not possess a similar value system as mine, nor did she value the freedom that comes from being your own boss. Because our values and visions didn’t align, I began to question if my dream of paying off my commercial real estate and enjoying a less stressful life was too lofty. As a result, I began to lose some of my drive for my business, which I ultimately see as an extension of who I am and what I’m meant to do in this world. In the end, I realized compromising who I was, my dreams, and my purpose was too great a price to pay for love.

Lesson #2: Fear drives many of the irrational decisions we make

I was scared that I would never find the “one” (I’m still deciding if there is such a thing!). I was scared that I had unrealistic or unreasonable expectations, that maybe the person didn’t exist. Deep down, I also feared that I just wasn’t deserving or “good enough” to be with someone.

Fear will spin crazy tales in your head and drive you to act against what your heart tells you. I know now that my fears are irrational and were a result of my being “jaded” after all the disappointments in my love life.

Lesson #3: The Universe always has your back

Sometimes when you experience setbacks, challenges, or emotional turmoil, you may start questioning whether or not the Universe is truly on your side! Even though it doesn’t feel like it, these situations are always for your higher good. They serve to help you heal a broken part of yourself so you can get to the next level in your life.

Lesson #4: Sometimes it’s necessary to allow the “wrong” situation to run its course.

I think 90% of my body was screaming “NOOOO!!!” when the idea of getting married came to mind. But that 10% of my mind that still retained hope needed some convincing, and the only way to do that was to let things play out. Allowing the situation to run its course proved to that 10% of me that I could finally let go and move on with my life.

Lesson #5: Stand up loud and proud!

There’s this unspoken assumption that if you’re single, there must be something wrong with you! Like maybe you’re somehow not good enough or you have some attachment disorder. Really?!

That’s a load of bullshit.

Being single also means that you’re secure and happy enough to be on your own instead of settling for a relationship just because it’s “comfortable”. Don’t allow what others think impact how you feel about your decision to be single. Wear that badge loud and proud!

Lesson #6: You get what you accept

Wanna attract the “right” people into your life? The right relationships, friends, or even job and career opportunities? Then STOP accepting people and circumstances that are NOT 100% fully aligned with what you want. And that means having the courage and integrity to say NO to people and opportunities that are only 90% of what you want.

There is no reason you need to settle for anything less than what you want, in all areas of your life! Don’t compromise and have the courage instead to SAY NO to those people and opportunities that are sub par!

Taking my own advice didn’t work because I couldn’t find the way out of the “relationship cycle”. It took years of therapy and countless dollars spent to finally learn how to love and not crash and burn.

This is my journey … this is my life!

Rob Cantrell