When the heartache is over … I know I won’t be missing you!
Love hurts …
My fear of being alone has been a pivotal factor in every disastrous relationship I’ve ever had. No matter what … I had to have someone I could claim as my other half. So sad… such a waste of time. I have heard a million times that “all relationships are hard and take work” … please, finding a cure for a disease is hard and takes a lot of work … sharing my life should be a fun task.
Love is supposed to be this ultra-great emotion that leads to throbbing feelings of happiness, moments of unforgettable togetherness, and maybe flowers and jewelry, too. Unfortunately, the reality is that love often sucks. You fall in love with people who don’t love you back, you get rejected by your idealized romantic partner, or you find yourself pining for somebody who treats you like crap. But there is hope. Though there is no quick fix for a broken heart, there are things I did to make it easier to fall out of love with someone.
There are a lot of reasons why you might want to stop loving somebody, but the two main ones are that they don’t return your feelings or they treat you badly. Love may feel like it’s something beyond your control, but studies show that there are actually ways to tame the wild feelings. What’s interesting is love activates the parts of our brains that are also activated in the brains of cocaine and cigarette addicts when they anticipate getting high. As a recovering addict, I can tell you how that feels!
I think love has to be treated like an addiction… throw out their cards and letters, or hide them in a closet. Don’t call or look for them online. If you’re trying to give up alcohol, you don’t leave scotch on your desk. Ideally, you want to stop thinking about the person entirely, so getting rid of objects that remind you of them will help.
There’s always a lesson in everything … I believe surviving love teaches us these:
Lesson #1: Losing a part of who you are is NOT worth being in love
When you are with someone who doesn’t have a similar vision or similar values for their life, you may begin to wonder about your own or even start adopting some of his/her values or beliefs. My ex did not possess a similar value system as mine, nor did she value the freedom that comes from being your own boss. Because our values and visions didn’t align, I began to question if my dream of paying off my commercial real estate and enjoying a less stressful life was too lofty. As a result, I began to lose some of my drive for my business, which I ultimately see as an extension of who I am and what I’m meant to do in this world. In the end, I realized compromising who I was, my dreams, and my purpose wastoo great a price to pay for love.
Lesson #2: Fear drives many of the irrational decisions we make
I was scared that I would never find the “one” (I’m still deciding if there is such a thing!). I was scared that I had unrealistic or unreasonable expectations, that maybe the person didn’t exist. Deep down, I also feared that I just wasn’t deserving or “good enough” to be with someone.
Fear will spin crazy tales in your head and drive you to act against what your heart tells you. I know now that my fears are irrational and were a result of my being “jaded” after all the disappointments in my love life.
Lesson #3: The Universe always has your back
Sometimes when you experience setbacks, challenges, or emotional turmoil, you may start questioning whether or not the Universe is truly on your side! Even though it doesn’t feel like it, these situations are always for your higher good. They serve to help you heal a broken part of yourself so you can get to the next level in your life.
Lesson #4: Sometimes it’s necessary to allow the “wrong” situation to run its course.
I think 90% of my body was screaming “NOOOO!!!” when the idea of getting married came to mind. But that 10% of my mind that still retained hope needed some convincing, and the only way to do that was to let things play out. Allowing the situation to run its course proved to that 10% of me that I could finally let go and move on with my life.
Lesson #5: Stand up loud and proud!
There’s this unspoken assumption that if you’re single, there must be something wrong with you! Like maybe you’re somehow not good enough or you have some attachment disorder. Really?!
That’s a load of bullshit.
Being single also means that you’re secure and happy enough to be on your own instead of settling for a relationship just because it’s “comfortable”. Don’t allow what others think impact how you feel about your decision to be single. Wear that badge loud and proud!
Lesson #6: You get what you accept
Wanna attract the “right” people into your life? The right relationships, friends, or even job and career opportunities? Then STOP accepting people and circumstances that are NOT 100% fully aligned with what you want. And that means having the courage and integrity to say NO to people and opportunities that are only 90% of what you want.
There is no reason you need to settle for anything less than what you want, in all areas of your life! Don’t compromise and have the courage instead to SAY NO to those people and opportunities that are sub par!
Taking my own advice didn’t work because I couldn’t find the way out of the “relationship cycle”. It took years of therapy and countless dollars spent to finally learn how to love and not crash and burn.