Oh I’m sorry … did my back hurt your knife?

I have felt the sting of back stabbers more than once … recently, it seems to be a daily occurrence. Someone will read my blog or Facebook page and immediately start the rumor mill running … contacting my 80 yo mother seems to be a source of great enjoyment. The rundown goes something like this …

“Louise (my mom) … I’m concerned for Rob! Someone told me that he is the following:

1. An oversexed homosexual addicted to internet pornography

2. Dresses like a drag queen because he is transitioning (thanks Caitlyn Jenner)

3. Has a drug problem and is an alcoholic

4. Is only interested in little Filipino boys

5. Is a Scientologist, atheist, Buddhist, Hara Krishna, Mormon, communist, liberal Jew.

6. Has an obsession with food and photographs everything he eats

7. Sleeps with pugs

When I was passed out drunk on a Florida beach or naked in a public swimming pool … I wasn’t interesting to them. These people don’t give a damn about me… they know 99% of what is coming out of their mouths is total crap. But with every hurtful story there must be a sprinkling of truth in order to make it  believable… as for the accusations … 4 are absolutely correct! You can figure it out …

Most of the time backstabbers are very close people in our lives, they can be our friends, relatives, coworkers, etc. They can give us a shoulder to cry, spend time together, we share secrets and special moments with them. That’s why you never see it coming when they betray you. Be very careful of the ones that have appointed themselves as a “prayer warrior” and want to lift your life up to the lord. These people really scare me ….
“Be careful with people we label as best friends, unless you know their intentions”

Why backstabbers  stab?
Backstabbers are upset with their lives and like to cause other people to be miserable, they are selfish person, insecure and confused people,  with low self-esteem, jealous people who can’t stand others achievements. Sorry but, backstabbers sometimes weren’t  brought up with good morals or values.Don’t ignore a betrayal from a backstabber, it hurts, makes you angry, feel stupid, it’s embarrassing, it can ruin you reputation, it’s shock, you may spend weeks, months, in disbelief, that close person to you is capable of  his actions.

What to do when you’re back stabbed ? You need to know  and do the following;

  • It’s not your fault and you have the right to overreact, don’t blame yourself, you have been a good friend all the time. Backstabber can make you sick, it’s ok to overreact  but not ok to be violent. Give yourself a time to mourn, let the anger go,  try not to be violent.

  • Don’t get into email war , (Facebook, phone, endless  confrontation) e.g i thought we were best friend blah blah blah, demanding explanation, it wont help, backstabbers love attention don’t give  them a stage. Just write a short message, or make a short call, or face a backstabber, throw everything on his/her face, then keep your distance.

  • If someone betrays you, don’t trust that person again, “the only person you can trust to keep a secret is the one who is dead” Chinese proverb.

  • Ignore a backstabber, by ignore a backstabber you will make a statement and send a message that you have very important things to do and very important people to meet, NO Time  to deal with backstabber loser.

  • Remember backstabbers are powerful when your back is turned.

  • Avoid revenge, because it will create more problems, “the best revenge is to move on” Jerry Springer.

  • Learn to forgive and forget, you have learned the important lesson in life, you know who true friends are, delete all their memories, losers don’t deserve a place in your heart or in your head.

This is how I deal with back stabbers…This is my journey… this is my life!

Rob Cantrell

You can’t make a heart feel something it won’t ….

I write a lot about love because I’ve never fully understood the process … I’ve never been good at it …. I’m great at making it! It’s finding the real kind that’s the hard part. I think I’m in love with the idea of being in love. Some kind of spiritual experience that will keep me on a perpetual high for life. That doesn’t exist … or it if  does I’ve never found it.
The most painful experience in life is to love someone that simply doesn’t love you back … nothings worse. The process makes you question everything … your looks, intelligence, desirability and especially your worth. Once your self worth is destroyed it takes time to rebuild …
You can’t make a heart feel something it won’t… no matter how hard you try. I’ve been on both sides of love and understand why people live their lives with 50 cats in a one bedroom apartment. For the most part … cats won’t hurt you!
Love is the best teacher. From it, you will learn more than you could possibly ever learn in a classroom or from a book. The reason for this is rather simple — we feel more when we’re in love.
Human beings learn through their senses as well as through the way they process and interpret the information taken in by those senses.
When we find ourselves in love, the chemicals released by our brains paired with the emotional sensations we experience allow us to experience life in hyperdrive. We feel more alive and take in more of the world around us.
Being in love is the greatest high on the planet. It’s the most natural of highs, as it’s produced by our own bodies, as well as being the longest lasting high on the planet.
It increases our senses and allows us to both take in more information and process that information under a more positive light.
Our imaginations tend to get the best of us when we’re in love, creating alternative realities where our fantasies are born. Love helps us both focus more on the world around us while basically forcing us to spend more time in our own heads.
Until you fall in love, you don’t know what it means to live. Well, to be more exact, until you fall in love and have your heart broken, you don’t know what it means to live. Furthermore, until you have your heart broken, you won’t understand what it means to truly love.
As human beings, we learn best from loss. We come to understand the importance and value of both people and things, by losing them.
Sure, we can imagine how it must feel to lose a person we love, but until we actually lose, or are at risk of losing, this person, we never fully understand how important he or she is to us.
We learn by losing. We learn when we are beaten by others, when our best efforts aren’t good enough, when we don’t make the cut, and when we fail. Success is no teacher. In fact, success can often do more harm than good — especially when it wasn’t worked for or earned.
But loss… when you lose something, you instantly become aware of the now vacant space in your life that was once filled with something beautiful — even if that something beautiful was only the dream of having that which you now know you won’t have. And it hurts.
Love can teach you just about everything you need to know about life. For example, it can teach you that sometimes no matter how much you love a person, that person simply won’t love you back.
It can teach you that there are many levels to loving and that each and every person loves a little differently. It can also teach you that sometimes you have no choice but to love someone who will never love you as much as you love him or her.
We often talk about unconditional love, as if it were a real thing. The truth is that there is no such thing as unconditional love; we all love conditionally. However, having someone love you back is not one of those necessary conditions.
In fact, we often fall in love and continue to love those who don’t love us back as passionately. We all love that which we can’t have, and if we find someone that doesn’t want us it only makes us more desperate to have that someone.
That’s a bitch, ain’t it? You fall in love with someone who doesn’t love you back and knowing he or she is trying to push you away only makes you want to latch on tighter. The more that person tells you he or she doesn’t want you, the more your imagination concocts ways of making that person fall for you.
I speak from experience… as people, we are capable of chasing the person we are in love with for years and years on end to no avail. Every time we are turned down, we fall in love a little deeper. Or so we think.
Most of us have a difficult time distinguishing between romantic love and love itself. Romantic love is more a sort of obsession than it is anything else, and it’s romantic love that makes us want that which we can’t have.
Romantic love is what turns our imaginations on high and makes it impossible to start thinking about that one special person. The best part of it all is that we love being in love romantically, no matter how much it hurts.
Being in love with someone who will never love you as much as you love him or her shakes you to your core, but you love it. Don’t get me wrong, it hurts. It hurts a whole lot. At the same time, it makes you feel more alive. It makes you feel more “in the moment.”
It opens you up to a side of life and a side of yourself that you didn’t previously know existed. It’s the sort of pain that you never forget, but at the same time look back at with a sort of fondness and sense of nostalgia.
There’s a fine line between pain and pleasure. Romantic love walks that line.
This is what I believe …
This is my journey … this is my life!
Rob Cantrell

I don’t regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it!

I have every reason to dwell on regrets … I’ve done everything … and I mean everything  … but Michael Jackson! I would have done him too if I’d had an opportunity! My life choices didn’t provide me with a life … just a lot of experiences I wouldn’t share in polite company … Do I regret the past? Absolutely not! I survived and my survival has brought me to a very good place. Besides, I’m not gonna live a day longer moaning about the past… it’s where it needs to be .. in my rear view mirror.

I was at an AA meeting and heard a stunningly beautiful doctor’s wife explain how she found sobriety. She was driving her 9 year old daughter home from school drunk… reached for something under the seat and hit a telephone pole. The child was killed instantly. My God … how could that woman live with herself? I was numb listening to her and I remembered how many times I’d done the exact same thing …. But for the grace of God go I!

In just about any self-help support group meeting around the world, you will find people who have been through unimaginable pain standing tall and fearlessly sharing their stories. Despite devastating personal losses, lifelong health problems and broken relationships, they are not consumed with shame. In fact, many seem strangely at peace with their past.

This is the freedom of recovery without regret.

Because addicts tell lies and make repeated mistakes, regret commonly becomes an obstacle to recovery. Left to fester, regrets not only make it difficult to learn from the past and move forward but they can also take valuable time and attention away from recovery, increasing the risk of relapse.

Though painful, regret can be an important part of the healing process. In treatment, we see regret as a sign of readiness to change. As addicts become increasingly aware of the negative consequences of their drug use, regret is a natural response. In its healthiest form, regret drives the addict to ask, “What can I do differently right now to right the wrongs of the past and make better decisions in the future?”

Here are a few ways to deal with regrets so they don’t get in the way of recovery:

Focus on the Present. The only day anyone can do anything about is today. Focusing on missed opportunities and making comparisons to other people rarely bring about positive change. Rather than dwelling on what could’ve, should’ve or would’ve been, focus on what you can do right now to create the life you want.

Although it is present-focused, recovery is not about shutting the door on the past. The 4th Step of AA/NA directs addicts to conduct a searching inventory of the past. We remember the past, not to wallow in shame, guilt or denial, but to understand how the future can be different.

Make an Honest Evaluation. It’s tempting to look back and assume life would’ve been different but for one or two bad decisions. An honest evaluation can help put regrets in perspective and reveal the lessons to be gleaned from the experience. Ask yourself if the memory has been distorted over time. Could you truly have done something differently, or have you taken responsibility for something out of your control? Did you do your best given the circumstances?

Embrace the Learning Experience. Some people turn their regrets into a story that defines who they are. One or two bad decisions become exaggerated to mean ““I’m a bad person” or “I never make good decisions.” To find peace in recovery you must find peace with yourself, which means learning from your experiences and letting the rest go.

Doing away with regret can be intimidating because it means facing an unknowable future and taking new risks that may or may not play out as desired. The greatest thinkers throughout history have known that “failures” are not to be regretted but celebrated as steppingstones to later success. Often the biggest “mistakes” turn into the greatest fortune. Those who are afraid of regret run the much greater risk that they will be forever limited to only partial satisfaction.

Make Amends. To promote accountability, the 8th and 9th Steps of AA/NA ask addicts to make amends where possible. This means making apologies when merited, and using the lessons you’ve learned to help others. It also means fully committing to your recovery. Your continuing sobriety and efforts toward self-improvement are the greatest gift you can give yourself or any of the people you have wronged in the past.

For some, holding onto regret can be a way of avoiding responsibility. They believe that regret shows they’re truly sorry and will keep them from repeating their mistakes, but it actually keeps them stuck in a self-focused mode that blocks healing for both the addict and their loved ones. Dwelling on regrets doesn’t fix the past and only draws the suffering out into the future.

Accept the Consequences. Sometimes, in spite of our best efforts, it isn’t possible to mend past hurts. The serenity prayer offers a useful reminder that some things are within your power to change (working a recovery program and making amends) and others are not (the past and in some cases, the feelings of those who have been hurt). Mistakes are part of being human. While it is important to accept responsibility for the wrongs committed, be generous with your forgiveness of self and others so that you can be free to move on.

Focus on the Positive. The human brain is adept at organizing information into habits. This is why it takes a long time to complete a task (say, learning a new computer program) on the first or second try, but becomes virtually automatic after multiple attempts. While this organizational structure can save time and energy in our tasks of daily living, it can also turn negative self-talk into an automatic process. The recovering addict who dwells on regret may find that negative thoughts creep up involuntarily and far more frequently than positive ones because the brain has become habituated to this sequence.

No one chooses to become an addict, but there are lessons that can be learned as a result. For example, recovering addicts often have more empathy for others, are able to embrace their own imperfections and have a new appreciation for life. Troubling events from the past can be instructional, but they cannot be undone. Once you’ve learned the lesson, focus on who you are and what you can do better today.

This is what has worked for me …

This is my journey … this is my life!

Rob Cantrell

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