I stayed in a miserable relationship for years with someone who I never loved or quite honestly ever liked. I stayed for the kids… I stayed for the security… I stayed because things were going to get better… I stayed out of fear of the unknown. I hated my life and was paralyzed to change any of it.
People who are unhappy with themselves and afraid of being alone are alone even if they are married. Due to their fear of being alone they make poor decisions and most of the time decisions are made from a feeling of desperation. Childhood abuse or chaotic family situations can cause a child grief and self-loathing. This does not go away. They choose a partner that represents how they feel about themselves. Part of the reason parenting is so important is because you are giving your child not only a loving environment to grow up in, but also, you are helping form their relationships as an adult for years to come.
Love is such a powerfully painful emotion, never more so than when one partner has fallen out of love but is afraid to leave because they don’t want to be alone. Due to their fear and lost connection with their spouse they reach for another person to comfort them. This threesome usually leads to the demise of the couple’s marriage, and the children involved carry that legacy on. People who tell me they no longer love their spouse but have found a friend or perfect partner in someone else are people who don’t love themselves.
In truth, the person who is married but seeking another for comfort and connection doesn’t love anyone. They are correct when they say they no longer love their spouse; they may never have loved their spouse. You cannot love someone when you don’t like yourself because you attract someone who loves you at the level you are at. What is difficult for them to see is when you are unhappy and attract a new friend or lover, when you are at perhaps your lowest level of self-esteem. This is not a good time to be choosing partners and very rarely do you make a wise choice. When you love someone, you want to protect them, and therefore, you would never put them in the middle of a triangle that you constructed. The only person protected in the triangle is you, and that will only be a short time because the chances are high that both your spouse and lover will leave you once they find out what happened.
I know from personal experience and years of counseling that if you’re staying with someone because you’re afraid of being alone… stop. You already are, which is why you are seeking comfort with another person who does not have your best interest at heart. The reason I can say this with confidence is because it is clear that you don’t know or love yourself. You are making unwise decisions due to your fear of being alone and facing your pain. You most likely will not have a healthy marriage or relationship until you become clear of what you are running from. What frightens you so much about being alone? Relationships never work for you… isn’t it time to realize the problem might not be with your partner. You keep bringing your suitcase filled with dirty laundry to the next “perfect person”… they don’t want it and they can’t wash it for you.
If your spouse is abusive, then you must leave. That includes emotional, sexual or physical abuse. If they are not abusive, then you should go to them, and tell them you are unhappy with your life. Tell them you need to work on you, and the stronger you become the more the marriage will change. Ask them how they feel about this. Ask them if they are happy. Ask them if they want a more connected, loving relationship. You need to begin talking to your partner. Don’t blame them for your unhappiness, but let them know you are tired of being unhappy and want to change.
You need to take responsibility for your situation because it is your fear that is keeping you there. You have the power to change that if you take ownership of it. Part of taking ownership is going to the doctor if you are depressed and being assessed so they can give you the proper treatment. Many people in triangles are also depressed.
Fear and love rule the world and relationships. When your fear of being alone, and facing your demons keeps you locked in an unhealthy relationship, it is time to face your demons and work through the pain. Happiness is waiting for you, but it’s inside you. No person can make us happy if we are afraid of being alone. That isn’t love; that’s fear.
This is my journey… this is my life.
Rob Cantrell
Rob Cantrell 